Hostage of Dolour

Hallo mon nom est ‘Ed Chef Preston Emmenthal, ‘Ed Chef of Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury in Kensington.  I am ‘Ed Chef which means that I am responsible of the modest kitchen of twenty-two in which are created Michelin Star culinary artwork for seven ‘undred covers per night. I am the ‘Ed Chef of that.  But right now, I am at ‘ome in my ‘ome and so I will show to you, who are not ‘Ed Chefs, ‘ow to create something edible in your ‘omes. Ah ‘scusez moi pour un moment…

… ’Scusez moi, my quite gay wife Marielle sought to… ‘ow you say, a little snide bawling me out? in front of her friend Susan on account of the knives not being laid straight.  She is a perfectionist.  And quite gay.  All this would be more easier for you that you ‘ave not a pedantic and quite gay wife Marielle such as is present in this, the Emmenthal ‘ouse’old.

OK so I ‘ave closed off the door.  Though I can still ‘ear ‘er laugh; that ‘orrible froggish croak from out of that crooked little moustachio lip of ‘ers.  So, we proceed:

Numero Un – Hors-d’œuvre.  For this we will attempt to replicate my item which tu sais Michael Winner remarked: went in his mouth, “like shit off of a shovel”.  I call this Confit d’Oie et M&M.  What you need is preserved goose breast and a assortement of M&Ms.  Personally I prefer to catch the ingredients myself out of Lidl – to ensure freshness tu comprends.  Simply you mix together all of the constituent together and experiment with your own seasonings such as the MSG-enhanced flavour scraped off of the Prawn Cocktail potato crisps [as long as they are fresh!]  Confit d’Oie et M&M is a favourite of my quite gay wife Marielle.  Though it gave her la diarrhée extremement but a recipe for success for me n’est-ce pas, since I ‘eard not her berating froggish wailing at me for two ‘ole days.    Garnish with an apricot stone which you have masticated in your mouth until it is slick; voila.  I shall bring these out to my quite gay wife Marielle and her friend Susan…

…  Hmm, well perhaps in your own creation, you do not BURY the apricot stone quite so deep in the confit.  For me, it is part of the experience to ‘ave watch Marielle heimlich Susan.  (I could think of nothing better to do with Susan than heimlich her).  OK so we move onto the next course…

Numero Deux – Relevés.  ‘Ere we ‘ave a beautiful little dish Confiture d’Olives et Poulpe.  I created this item when I was on I Am A Celebrity And Now You Get Me Out Of Here.  I gladly swallowed parakeet poopoo because I was absent from the acrid eyes of Marielle my quite gay wife for two weeks though I was outvoted in the second cut by Matthew Amroliwala off of the TV.  So we assemble the olives and the octopus, boil them together for 20min gas 5 or until the octopus, his squirming in the pot ‘as stopped.  Then we put them into the blender and add sugar to make it sugary.  Then add some salt to make it salty and some white wine vinegar to make it tart.  Arrange it delicately on the plate and sprinkle over apple seeds from an apple core.  And serve…

…  Ah, Marielle my quite gay wife did not appreciate the apple seeds.  Nor did her friend Susan.  Mais, they seemed to enjoy the finely chopped fingernails and phlegm that I ‘ad in my throat and ‘ad mixed in well.  Donc c’est un repas perfectement!

Numero Trois – Le Plat.  Allow your patrons to choke off les relevés before you are serving the main.  As a perfect compliment to Confiture d’Olives et Poulpe we shall make Terrine de Globe Oculaire.  This delicious eyeball pâté should be served with a cup of pickled gherkins from out of a cold Big Mac burger, partially fermented in the bin out back of McDonalds in the precinct.  I received a note handwritten by Egon Ronay after he sampled this dish, and I quote: “It’s abso-f***ing-lutely wonderful.  Like mushy peas only more black and bloody.”  Terrine de Globe Oculaire isn’t really meat because it is an eyeball so it will do for vegetarian and quite gay people like my quite gay wife Marielle who I recall went out to some ladies business club the last evening when I mentioned that I was cooking this delight.  Serve with the fingers crossed!

Menu of the Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury, Kensington

Ah c’est un succès fou, n’est-ce pas?  Marielle my quite gay wife and her friend Susan, they ‘ave left and so I will pretend no further…

… Ramon!  Ramon!  You can come out of the cupboard.  Ahh, Ramon ‘ere ‘e is my petit pomme de terre, come let us eat our Bounty bar and Doritos!

C’est haute! Mmmmm.  ‘Ope you enjoyed my expert tips.  Call an’ say ‘allo in Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury in Kensington… Our food is so beautiful you will shed a tear.  Is that not correct Ramon?  Ramon, get your tongue out of there!

Hi there, my name’s Sara and I’m a top graphic designer.  I have a degree in Art Plagiarism and a masters in Drawing Pictures On The Computer.  These alone would qualify me as an expert but I’ve also allied these to several years of fast-track experience with a very well known London design studio who themselves wield a considerable portfolio of high-profile clients such as Ben out of The Apprentice, The Association of Beneficent Share Brokers, UK Fatwa Recipients Collective and Georgio Marauder [the man responsible for outfitting Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell].

I think that entirely qualifies me to know what I’m talking about with Adobe Photoshop CS4.  So let me give you who don’t know as much as me a few Expert Tips for David Faylin’s blog.  I’ll use as an example, the brief I last worked on.  Record company Holy Shit wanted an album cover for their latest signing fresh from X-Factor first round failuredom, Oliver Closov.

Here is the initial image:

Oliver Closov initial image

Sara’s Photoshop CS4 Tip #1 Using Colour.  A lot of Photoshop CS4 users aren’t entirely conversant with colour theory, colour wheels, complimentary colours etc.  I’ve studied all this and have qualifications that you probably don’t, but all you really need to know is that MORE colour = happy clients!  Thus I took the original picture of Oliver Closov and from Image > Adjustments > Hue and Saturation, increased the saturation levels to bring a little colour to his cheeks.  Can you see the difference?  It’s subtle but necessary for this rockstar branding.

Oliver Closov coloured image

Sara’s Photoshop CS4 Tip #2 Text layers.  I’ve noticed that many amateur Photoshop CS4 users that don’t have my expertise, often use inappropriate typefaces.  People say to me, but Sara, what’s an appropriate typeface?  Really, I tell them, it’s complicated and context-dependent, add an air of gravitas with Caslon or go hunting for jazzy, funky, professional or arty fonts to suit.  I tell them there’s no easy answer.  But actually, and here’s my expert tip, it’s dead easy: choose Comic Sans Serif EVERY time because Comic Sans = happy clients!  You can see how I’ve used this to optimum effect here.  Since I’m an expert, I was able, to drag out a ruler guide and make sure everything was in the centre to add professionalism.  I also chose a nice bright colour because that’s quite rockstar-ish.  And I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’ve placed the text one-third of the way down because that’s optimal.  Leonardo Da Vinci discovered that about albums when he was doing that drawing of the man with no clothes [that was before he got involved with Tom Hanks – that’s a free bit of trivia  from my art studies]. I have also skillfully stretched the image dimensions so that it’s square because that’s the shape of CDs and things.

Sara’s Photoshop CS4 Tip #3 Filters.  There’s a tendency among some non-experts to misapply the filterset on Photoshop CS4.  Faced with an oft bewildering array of single-click image manipulations, the amateur user might become dazzled like a Myspace denizen and select an inappropriate filter for the mood.  For this example, I was seeking to generate that rock feel and, as with all my briefs, I follow my one rule for Photoshop filters: move ALL the sliders to MAX because as any professional in my business will tell you, MAX filter = happy clients!  I first of all rasterized the text and merged the layers, applying the filter to the resultant layer.  For this, I’ve chosen Ocean Ripple followed by Texturiser because I quite like those and I’m quite expert at imagining these things.  The result, as you can see enhances the image greatly.

Oliver Closov with filters applied

With a few final Photoshop CS4 secret tweaks, the final draft sent to Holy Shit Records for proofing looked like this.

Oliver Closov after final Photoshop CS4 tweaks

I’m still awaiting their amendments.  I can’t see there being any.

Hope you enjoyed my expert tips for Adobe Photoshop CS4.  Keep practising and one day you might work in a great place like this with experts like me.  Speak to you soon about the use of Photoshop CS4 brushes in order to touch up Britney to make her look human.  TTFN, Sara x

me on facebook cos i look like zac efrom

hi my names boyd schidt n im an xpert in facebook… i wanna share my xpert tipz wid ya cos i is a genurus persin… look 4 the sign xpert tipz! cos that is an xpert tipz! i bin on facebook (started on bebo) all mi life since I wz like 10 or sumthn so lissen up u reetrrds cos u no nuthin til u reed this

1. putn up yr profil — don waste time takin a webcam pic of yrslf cos that uses lectrik n isnt green — xpert tipz! lift a sxy pic of myspace or place wr nobody goes… guys wid 6pks r gud or fairys f ur a grrl or sum 15yo if u is a prevert… fr mines I use zak effrum cos like my gf sez i look like him neways only shes not my gf now shes a biotch that ran off wid sum like 20yo gramps child snacher and i is startin a new prof to like stalk her n stuff…

2. pick a name that int urs cos u nvr no wen ur teechn ppl r lookn (or ur boss is lookn if ur like really old or if ur like my da unimployed n hidin frm the frodd skwodd fr claiming binifits wen he shudnt b)… xpert tipz! ur facebook name shud b funy or sujjestive like mine or my m8s peter pance, ben derover, wilma dikfit or harry balzak pmsl n use hearts n askey karackters cos these get chiks quik

c. fil out ur profil infurmatons — deside if u is emo or scene n lisst down ur bands — xpert tipz! if us is not emo or scene (then wat is u like a nerd or a geek or sumthn?) don lisst no bands cos u will only look stoopid lisstin bands u cant even sing… lisst out how mny grrls u had (or boyz if u is a grrl) cos that impresss chiks to… most impurtant lisst out wat u hate n who u hate n who u don wan2 add u like that nob down the streeet drives the ford wid side skrts n sez hez gonna do dis n dat fuktard!!!!!!!!!!11 …. xpert tipz! lisst out wot gamez u like cos that helps bild ur image like GTA f u is a gangsta or karri a nyfe or forza if u is into tunin ur car or geers of wor if u is a geek wid a hedset or dj heero if u is like a dj or that dik nathan f who sez hes a big dnb playa but dun even like prodigy dumass!””!!! or lisst out wii gamez f u is a grrl

*. join kewl groops lik dees:–

• f a millon ppl join dis den I wil eat my dinner
• f**k homwork its sh*t (I put the astrixss in myslf in case thr r underage ppl watchin)
• wat i stole 2day
• man u 4eva (or chelsea or arsinil or livapool or ac millann if u is like gay or forrin frm anutha cuntry or sumthn)
• rage aginst tha macheen (cos like this is gonna beat xfactor to numba 1 fr xmas n makes u look kewl or if u is emo then think of sumthn else appropurit)

III. git good apps 2 dekur8 ur profil

• sxy luvers (u can send sxy pics to ur bffs — xpert tipz! grrls luv these… u snd thm like a guy wid 6pks dusnt mean u is gay!!!!!!11)
• i heart teddys (I h8 teddys but grrls lik them or fairys if they is goth or wannabee vamp yum lik kate bekinsdale I tried 2 add her but it waznt reelly her and soooo I got like reelly depresssd and cut myself only our nyves rnt sharp so I sort of just left a red mark on my arm but it looks sooooo kewl wen I walk round wid my sleeevs up… think that maks me emo hahahahhha roflpmsl)

>>> add ur 5000 friends off ur gmail or msn ppl or use turbo adder tho u get freeks n ppl wid made up names from made up places who int who they sez they is!!!!!11

hope that’s enuf… i is doin all this xpert tipz 4 part of my course creddit…  i is a final yr inglish undergradd student at univercity won say wich cos im alreddy in sh*t fr slingin Es in friday theery class n touchn up katie mcw….. all frm me.. u cant git me on facebook cos I deletid my profil n told marcia I woz dedd to make her think I was more goth than josh c thinks hez kewl cos he got an iphone numnuts… newayz u cant git me no more but u can say hello to my inglish lkturrer f u wan… hez here >>> facebook/david.faylin