Hostage of Dolour

And so didst ROBOT GOD looketh upon the Robot World and saw that the robot masses were contented with their existences. And ROBOT GOD wast ANGERED! For who sayeth existence wast meant to be all la-dee-da. Thus ROBOT GOD didst spend a while in study of his monthly subscriber’s magazine. And didst decide that the robot masses, who were immortal and utopian, shouldst have the benefits of “aging and eventual death”, “disease” and “heartbreak” conferred upon them. And with infinite intelligence didst ROBOT GOD downloadeth these three packages at once, thereby taking advantage of a limited free offer of the “mortgages” package.

Using his secret pin number didst ROBOT GOD deploy “mortgages” which included dual concepts “working for too little money” and “property that costs too much”. And ROBOT GOD saw the wrinkles appear upon the brows of the robot masses. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “disease” package didst come with too many settings and options for ROBOT GOD to make sense of and thus didst ROBOT GOD selecteth them all and clicketh install. Yet some of these disease organisms conflicted with an already installed package “immune system”. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD extract some of the brain matter from Robots David and Victoria Beckham and didst implant it into H1N1 and the common cold. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “aging and eventual death” package didst install a genetic sequence that wouldst build in obsoletion. Except in the one called “Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod”. Yet ROBOT GOD wast not perturbed for there couldst be only one. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

ROBOT GOD didst then deploy “heartbreak” yet discovered that Robot World didst not meet minimum requirements for there were no hearts within the robot masses. So didst ROBOT GOD inventeth the heart as symbolic of love. Still there wast no such notion as love, so love wast invented. Even so, among the robot masses there were no traits worthy of love. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD inventeth long hair and protruberences upon the robot females, and didst widen the shoulders and divide up the big fat stomach muscle in robot males into six. “Quirky sense of humour” wast invented because that art also important. And “kindness”, “generosity” and other equally important stuff like dimples which art cute.

Then didst ROBOT GOD steppeth back [into a golf match since ROBOT GOD had procureth for himself some pimpin new spike shoes from Nike like what Robot Toger Woods hath]. ‘Twas the intention in the infinite mind of ROBOT GOD whilst he wast golfing and looking pimped, that the robot masses wouldst pair among themselves that he mightst subsequently tear them apart in a morbidly malevolent yet infinitely compassionate frenzy of “heartbreak”.

However whilst ROBOT GOD wast enjoying cigars at the nineteenth were textual messages apprehendeth on the iPhone which ROBOT GOD hadst invented just then in order that those textual messages mightst be received. And the textual messages – one of which wast spam [which wast not inventeth, but just WAS] – didst say “prblm on rbt wrld cm qk” At which point didst ROBOT GOD noteth to self to inventeth vowels, capitalisation and punctuation by and by.

Looking down upon the Robot World, ROBOT GOD wast distraught to discover two things:

Firstly whilst there were many approved pairings between six-muscle males and protruberent part females, hadst many of the robot mass merged in other ways, having invented for themselves homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality, androgyny, fetishes and other conditions that didst cause ROBOT GOD to short circuit and blue screen with vexation, though still apprehending that these miscreants also wouldst be subject to heartbreak. Until that was, ROBOT GOD also discovereth inventions more abominable to him that wouldst lessen the impact of “heartbreak” to minimum: support groups, drowning thy sorrows down at the pub, slagging off ex-partners on social internet sites, getting thyself a spa and makeover, dating agencies, “pay as thou goest” encounters, cutting up ex-partner’s wardrobes, draining ex-partner’s hydraulic brake fluid, and changing the locks. And divorce lawyers. And the phrase “plenty more fish in the sea”.

Distraught and mocked again by other gods watching from the nineteenth with their cigars and XXL graphite drivers, didst ROBOT GOD have a beautiful epiphany moment [which wouldst subsequently be calleth MDMA]. For in order to nitrous-oxide boost the agony of “heartbreak”, didst ROBOT GOD inventeth “TRUE love” that it might be torneth asunder on the whim of ROBOT GOD.

Now there wast nothing like “TRUE love” in all existence. Yet ROBOT GOD didst also maketh “true love” hard to find.

[And therefore, if thou findeth it, telleth nobody. Especially ROBOT GOD. For it art written].

But amid the upset of “aging and eventual death”, “disease”, “heartbreak” and “mortgages”, didst ROBOT GOD see that the robot masses turneth bad. And thus the subject of our next reading from the Doctrine of ROBOT GOD Book 001.4 art THE LAW!