Hostage of Dolour

Google is clever.  Like TOTALLY clever.  Like when you type something and you’re like slow at typing it and stuff, well Google cleverly thinks of what you were thinking and gives you the only available choices for what you were thinking.  So as like an experiment, I put in some words as if I was thinking something to see if Google could figure out what I was thinking.  Damn! if clever Google didn’t know just exactly what was going on in my head.  And even if it didn’t, it knows what’s going on in PEOPLE’s heads.  So be careful what you’re typing, if you’re typing pr0n and stuff – Google knows everything, see?  Anyways, just look at these totally amazing predictive related searches and stuff I’m like totally blown away…

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Matt Smith is the new Doctor Who incumbent. But who is Matt Smith?

Points to you for correctly guessing these here miscreants contained within (:

Wayward Photochopping, Shakespearean scripting, Lloyd-Webberan Musical direction, all moi: David Faylin.. Moi! Moi luvvies! Moi! SUB ME yall.. Cos u da man! (:

Hallo mon nom est ‘Ed Chef Preston Emmenthal, ‘Ed Chef of Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury in Kensington.  I am ‘Ed Chef which means that I am responsible of the modest kitchen of twenty-two in which are created Michelin Star culinary artwork for seven ‘undred covers per night. I am the ‘Ed Chef of that.  But right now, I am at ‘ome in my ‘ome and so I will show to you, who are not ‘Ed Chefs, ‘ow to create something edible in your ‘omes. Ah ‘scusez moi pour un moment…

… ’Scusez moi, my quite gay wife Marielle sought to… ‘ow you say, a little snide bawling me out? in front of her friend Susan on account of the knives not being laid straight.  She is a perfectionist.  And quite gay.  All this would be more easier for you that you ‘ave not a pedantic and quite gay wife Marielle such as is present in this, the Emmenthal ‘ouse’old.

OK so I ‘ave closed off the door.  Though I can still ‘ear ‘er laugh; that ‘orrible froggish croak from out of that crooked little moustachio lip of ‘ers.  So, we proceed:

Numero Un – Hors-d’œuvre.  For this we will attempt to replicate my item which tu sais Michael Winner remarked: went in his mouth, “like shit off of a shovel”.  I call this Confit d’Oie et M&M.  What you need is preserved goose breast and a assortement of M&Ms.  Personally I prefer to catch the ingredients myself out of Lidl – to ensure freshness tu comprends.  Simply you mix together all of the constituent together and experiment with your own seasonings such as the MSG-enhanced flavour scraped off of the Prawn Cocktail potato crisps [as long as they are fresh!]  Confit d’Oie et M&M is a favourite of my quite gay wife Marielle.  Though it gave her la diarrhée extremement but a recipe for success for me n’est-ce pas, since I ‘eard not her berating froggish wailing at me for two ‘ole days.    Garnish with an apricot stone which you have masticated in your mouth until it is slick; voila.  I shall bring these out to my quite gay wife Marielle and her friend Susan…

…  Hmm, well perhaps in your own creation, you do not BURY the apricot stone quite so deep in the confit.  For me, it is part of the experience to ‘ave watch Marielle heimlich Susan.  (I could think of nothing better to do with Susan than heimlich her).  OK so we move onto the next course…

Numero Deux – Relevés.  ‘Ere we ‘ave a beautiful little dish Confiture d’Olives et Poulpe.  I created this item when I was on I Am A Celebrity And Now You Get Me Out Of Here.  I gladly swallowed parakeet poopoo because I was absent from the acrid eyes of Marielle my quite gay wife for two weeks though I was outvoted in the second cut by Matthew Amroliwala off of the TV.  So we assemble the olives and the octopus, boil them together for 20min gas 5 or until the octopus, his squirming in the pot ‘as stopped.  Then we put them into the blender and add sugar to make it sugary.  Then add some salt to make it salty and some white wine vinegar to make it tart.  Arrange it delicately on the plate and sprinkle over apple seeds from an apple core.  And serve…

…  Ah, Marielle my quite gay wife did not appreciate the apple seeds.  Nor did her friend Susan.  Mais, they seemed to enjoy the finely chopped fingernails and phlegm that I ‘ad in my throat and ‘ad mixed in well.  Donc c’est un repas perfectement!

Numero Trois – Le Plat.  Allow your patrons to choke off les relevés before you are serving the main.  As a perfect compliment to Confiture d’Olives et Poulpe we shall make Terrine de Globe Oculaire.  This delicious eyeball pâté should be served with a cup of pickled gherkins from out of a cold Big Mac burger, partially fermented in the bin out back of McDonalds in the precinct.  I received a note handwritten by Egon Ronay after he sampled this dish, and I quote: “It’s abso-f***ing-lutely wonderful.  Like mushy peas only more black and bloody.”  Terrine de Globe Oculaire isn’t really meat because it is an eyeball so it will do for vegetarian and quite gay people like my quite gay wife Marielle who I recall went out to some ladies business club the last evening when I mentioned that I was cooking this delight.  Serve with the fingers crossed!

Menu of the Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury, Kensington

Ah c’est un succès fou, n’est-ce pas?  Marielle my quite gay wife and her friend Susan, they ‘ave left and so I will pretend no further…

… Ramon!  Ramon!  You can come out of the cupboard.  Ahh, Ramon ‘ere ‘e is my petit pomme de terre, come let us eat our Bounty bar and Doritos!

C’est haute! Mmmmm.  ‘Ope you enjoyed my expert tips.  Call an’ say ‘allo in Lèvres Bleuies at The Bunbury in Kensington… Our food is so beautiful you will shed a tear.  Is that not correct Ramon?  Ramon, get your tongue out of there!