Hostage of Dolour

Are you finding that existence itself holds you in no thrall?  Do thoughts of bungee lifestyles send your heart into a frenzy of inconsolable  slumber?  Was there ever a spark to you?  Where did it go?  What happened to your toyboy lover? Your Sports convertible? Even getting yourself all worked up into a lather of sarcarrrrrsm on internet forums not causing any chemicals to flow within?  Do you find yourself wondering whether your friends have been formed from generic mould?  A badly distorted, horribly shaped one?  Do clouded skies enfold themselves around your repressed angst?  Have you seen your GP?  Had you considered that you could be suffering from dead?

Hi guys, I’m TV’s hunky Doctor George MacManus, and I’d like to welcome you to Home Doctor Tips, this edition: Are You Suffering from Dead?  I’d also like to take this opportunity to let you know that “I Care”®

I’d like to thank you not just for checking in with me, but for deeming yourself “Worthwhile” © enough to lose the apathy for long enough to be arsed doing anything about it.

Okay, so to cut to the chase, if you’re having any of the symptoms listed above, you may actually be suffering from dead, which, in clinical terms, is often subdivided into testable classifications ranging from mild dead, to acute dead.  That all sounds quite frightful, but take a breath, because a diagnosis of dead isn’t the end of the world.  The prognosis can be as good as what the weather sometimes is.  Particularly if you’ve caught the condition it in its earlier stages of morbidity.

So I’d like to first talk about myself, ha. I’m joking of course.  You see, it turns out that people like me, TV’s hunky Doctor George filled with life, are one of the cures for your dead.  At the TV’s Hunky Doctor George Practice, we pride ourselves on having taken a holistical approach to healthcare, particularly towards those of you suffering from dead.  In fact it’s in our mission statement.  Which has a lot of words in it.  And those are just some of them.  Yes, holistical, which to us means lots of droop-eyed glances of pity and alternative words for our drugs.  See, here, we don’t do Temazepam; we do “Plain Sailing”.  Here, we don’t do Zomorph; we do “Happy Happy”.  Holistical, savvy?

The TV's Hunky Dr. George Practice - we're holistical!

So I want you to sit down, relax and take your own pulse.  Is it less than 55?  Don’t you ride your bike any more?  If it’s over 185, put down the skipping rope and stop pretending to be fit.  That’s not a max heart rate, THAT’s tachycardia!  Now, stop messing around, sit down and relax.  I want you to try to take your pulse… By surprise!  If you take it *while it’s looking* you’ll produce a false reading.  So try distracting yourself for a minute, with perhaps something heinously morose off of the internet, say Demi Kutchton Ashter on Twitter.  But not David Mitchell, god no, THAT’s a genuine contra-indication.  So Demi whatsherface or Paris Hilton or some iconic no-mark; sit right back but don’t fall off, immerse yourself and while waiting for Jeremy, the God of Inanity to overcome your consciousness, SLAM!  You got that pulse?  No?  Don’t be alarmed.  That’s good.  It wasn’t there; we’re still on target for an initial diagnosis of dead.

Next, if you haven’t already done so, pop out to your pharmacist, or go on eBay and get yourself a Werther’s Originals Testing Kit.  They’re disgustingly cheap.  Got that?  Good.  Take out a 2g dose of Werther’s Original bonbon.  Write down how you feel about it on the diagnosis card provided.  Carefully open up the confection [wear the safety goggules provided] and repeat the procedure deftly checking the checkboxes on the diagnosis card.  How’re you scoring?  If you’re scoring mostly “I’m looking forward to my next Werther’s” then we’re on target for a diagnosis of dead.  Finally taste the sweetie.  But don’t overdose.  This is potent medication.  TV’s hunky Doctor George’s TIP – this is a good time to take that pulse!  Is it still there?  No?  Marvellous.

Okay, so total up the scores on the Werther’s diagnosis card.  By now you should be building up a picture of the seriousness of your condition.  Yes?  Bravo.

So, pause for a moment, just as you would after witnessing a horrifically contrived and horribly trying-too-hard student viral video off of Youtube.  You see, I think this might be a suitable point at which to take stock.  So it appears near certain that you are indeed suffering from dead.  You’re probably leaping ahead and saying to yourself, “Oh my God, Jemima, what’re we gonna do; we’re suffing from dead,”  and it’ll immediately be apparent to you that 1. your dual personality issue has relapsed and 2. that since you’re real name’s Johnny, you’re suffering as well from secondary gender dyslexia.  No matter, Jemima’s right, what are you going to do?  Shit yourself?  Well all in good time.  For now, and in line with the aforementioned holistical approach, let’s do a little occidental head massage.  Just kneed that disgustingly wrinkled scalp of yours first with the left hand on the right meridian, then with the left hand on the right meridian.  Then with both hands on your credit card.  You feeling better after that?  Yes?  Then you’ve just self-confirmed yourself as suffering {insert Option #3d subliminal ad technique here} from acute dead.

Okay so at this juncture, it’s possibly worse {insert Option #3e subliminal ad technique here} than you’d thought.  But there are options.  Plainly it’s beyond even the remiNt of a TV’s hunky Doctor George to pursue therapy online.  But because however “I Care”®,  I’d like to heartily recommend {insert Option #4a subliminal closing technique here} my Complete Cure for Sufferers of Dead, which is available as a CD and an iTunes download for a {insert Option #x subliminal brainwipe technique here} nominal fee which does, and may, go to a charity.  Just click the button {Paypal link} and save yourself.  {Discretionary WARNING-if-command-NOT-heeded Insert #$}

In the meantime do absolutely **no-thing** until you’ve purrrr-chased Complete Cure for Sufferers of Dead.  {insert reawaken command #a here}.  And thanks for reading.  Next time, on Home Doctor Tips, we’ll be discussing methods for the Chronic Functional Psychosis {insert upsell “with Sociopathic Tendencies” pack here} self-test.  Until then, remember that TV’s hunky Doctor George says “I Care”® “even if you don’t” ™

Matt Smith is the new Doctor Who incumbent. But who is Matt Smith?

Points to you for correctly guessing these here miscreants contained within (:

Wayward Photochopping, Shakespearean scripting, Lloyd-Webberan Musical direction, all moi: David Faylin.. Moi! Moi luvvies! Moi! SUB ME yall.. Cos u da man! (:

And so didst ROBOT GOD looketh upon the Robot World and saw that the robot masses were contented with their existences. And ROBOT GOD wast ANGERED! For who sayeth existence wast meant to be all la-dee-da. Thus ROBOT GOD didst spend a while in study of his monthly subscriber’s magazine. And didst decide that the robot masses, who were immortal and utopian, shouldst have the benefits of “aging and eventual death”, “disease” and “heartbreak” conferred upon them. And with infinite intelligence didst ROBOT GOD downloadeth these three packages at once, thereby taking advantage of a limited free offer of the “mortgages” package.

Using his secret pin number didst ROBOT GOD deploy “mortgages” which included dual concepts “working for too little money” and “property that costs too much”. And ROBOT GOD saw the wrinkles appear upon the brows of the robot masses. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “disease” package didst come with too many settings and options for ROBOT GOD to make sense of and thus didst ROBOT GOD selecteth them all and clicketh install. Yet some of these disease organisms conflicted with an already installed package “immune system”. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD extract some of the brain matter from Robots David and Victoria Beckham and didst implant it into H1N1 and the common cold. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “aging and eventual death” package didst install a genetic sequence that wouldst build in obsoletion. Except in the one called “Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod”. Yet ROBOT GOD wast not perturbed for there couldst be only one. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

ROBOT GOD didst then deploy “heartbreak” yet discovered that Robot World didst not meet minimum requirements for there were no hearts within the robot masses. So didst ROBOT GOD inventeth the heart as symbolic of love. Still there wast no such notion as love, so love wast invented. Even so, among the robot masses there were no traits worthy of love. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD inventeth long hair and protruberences upon the robot females, and didst widen the shoulders and divide up the big fat stomach muscle in robot males into six. “Quirky sense of humour” wast invented because that art also important. And “kindness”, “generosity” and other equally important stuff like dimples which art cute.

Then didst ROBOT GOD steppeth back [into a golf match since ROBOT GOD had procureth for himself some pimpin new spike shoes from Nike like what Robot Toger Woods hath]. ‘Twas the intention in the infinite mind of ROBOT GOD whilst he wast golfing and looking pimped, that the robot masses wouldst pair among themselves that he mightst subsequently tear them apart in a morbidly malevolent yet infinitely compassionate frenzy of “heartbreak”.

However whilst ROBOT GOD wast enjoying cigars at the nineteenth were textual messages apprehendeth on the iPhone which ROBOT GOD hadst invented just then in order that those textual messages mightst be received. And the textual messages – one of which wast spam [which wast not inventeth, but just WAS] – didst say “prblm on rbt wrld cm qk” At which point didst ROBOT GOD noteth to self to inventeth vowels, capitalisation and punctuation by and by.

Looking down upon the Robot World, ROBOT GOD wast distraught to discover two things:

Firstly whilst there were many approved pairings between six-muscle males and protruberent part females, hadst many of the robot mass merged in other ways, having invented for themselves homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality, androgyny, fetishes and other conditions that didst cause ROBOT GOD to short circuit and blue screen with vexation, though still apprehending that these miscreants also wouldst be subject to heartbreak. Until that was, ROBOT GOD also discovereth inventions more abominable to him that wouldst lessen the impact of “heartbreak” to minimum: support groups, drowning thy sorrows down at the pub, slagging off ex-partners on social internet sites, getting thyself a spa and makeover, dating agencies, “pay as thou goest” encounters, cutting up ex-partner’s wardrobes, draining ex-partner’s hydraulic brake fluid, and changing the locks. And divorce lawyers. And the phrase “plenty more fish in the sea”.

Distraught and mocked again by other gods watching from the nineteenth with their cigars and XXL graphite drivers, didst ROBOT GOD have a beautiful epiphany moment [which wouldst subsequently be calleth MDMA]. For in order to nitrous-oxide boost the agony of “heartbreak”, didst ROBOT GOD inventeth “TRUE love” that it might be torneth asunder on the whim of ROBOT GOD.

Now there wast nothing like “TRUE love” in all existence. Yet ROBOT GOD didst also maketh “true love” hard to find.

[And therefore, if thou findeth it, telleth nobody. Especially ROBOT GOD. For it art written].

But amid the upset of “aging and eventual death”, “disease”, “heartbreak” and “mortgages”, didst ROBOT GOD see that the robot masses turneth bad. And thus the subject of our next reading from the Doctrine of ROBOT GOD Book 001.4 art THE LAW!