Hostage of Dolour

And so didst ROBOT GOD looketh upon the Robot World and saw that the robot masses were contented with their existences. And ROBOT GOD wast ANGERED! For who sayeth existence wast meant to be all la-dee-da. Thus ROBOT GOD didst spend a while in study of his monthly subscriber’s magazine. And didst decide that the robot masses, who were immortal and utopian, shouldst have the benefits of “aging and eventual death”, “disease” and “heartbreak” conferred upon them. And with infinite intelligence didst ROBOT GOD downloadeth these three packages at once, thereby taking advantage of a limited free offer of the “mortgages” package.

Using his secret pin number didst ROBOT GOD deploy “mortgages” which included dual concepts “working for too little money” and “property that costs too much”. And ROBOT GOD saw the wrinkles appear upon the brows of the robot masses. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “disease” package didst come with too many settings and options for ROBOT GOD to make sense of and thus didst ROBOT GOD selecteth them all and clicketh install. Yet some of these disease organisms conflicted with an already installed package “immune system”. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD extract some of the brain matter from Robots David and Victoria Beckham and didst implant it into H1N1 and the common cold. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

The “aging and eventual death” package didst install a genetic sequence that wouldst build in obsoletion. Except in the one called “Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod”. Yet ROBOT GOD wast not perturbed for there couldst be only one. And ROBOT GOD saw that it wast good.

ROBOT GOD didst then deploy “heartbreak” yet discovered that Robot World didst not meet minimum requirements for there were no hearts within the robot masses. So didst ROBOT GOD inventeth the heart as symbolic of love. Still there wast no such notion as love, so love wast invented. Even so, among the robot masses there were no traits worthy of love. Therefore didst ROBOT GOD inventeth long hair and protruberences upon the robot females, and didst widen the shoulders and divide up the big fat stomach muscle in robot males into six. “Quirky sense of humour” wast invented because that art also important. And “kindness”, “generosity” and other equally important stuff like dimples which art cute.

Then didst ROBOT GOD steppeth back [into a golf match since ROBOT GOD had procureth for himself some pimpin new spike shoes from Nike like what Robot Toger Woods hath]. ‘Twas the intention in the infinite mind of ROBOT GOD whilst he wast golfing and looking pimped, that the robot masses wouldst pair among themselves that he mightst subsequently tear them apart in a morbidly malevolent yet infinitely compassionate frenzy of “heartbreak”.

However whilst ROBOT GOD wast enjoying cigars at the nineteenth were textual messages apprehendeth on the iPhone which ROBOT GOD hadst invented just then in order that those textual messages mightst be received. And the textual messages – one of which wast spam [which wast not inventeth, but just WAS] – didst say “prblm on rbt wrld cm qk” At which point didst ROBOT GOD noteth to self to inventeth vowels, capitalisation and punctuation by and by.

Looking down upon the Robot World, ROBOT GOD wast distraught to discover two things:

Firstly whilst there were many approved pairings between six-muscle males and protruberent part females, hadst many of the robot mass merged in other ways, having invented for themselves homosexuality, bisexuality, transexuality, androgyny, fetishes and other conditions that didst cause ROBOT GOD to short circuit and blue screen with vexation, though still apprehending that these miscreants also wouldst be subject to heartbreak. Until that was, ROBOT GOD also discovereth inventions more abominable to him that wouldst lessen the impact of “heartbreak” to minimum: support groups, drowning thy sorrows down at the pub, slagging off ex-partners on social internet sites, getting thyself a spa and makeover, dating agencies, “pay as thou goest” encounters, cutting up ex-partner’s wardrobes, draining ex-partner’s hydraulic brake fluid, and changing the locks. And divorce lawyers. And the phrase “plenty more fish in the sea”.

Distraught and mocked again by other gods watching from the nineteenth with their cigars and XXL graphite drivers, didst ROBOT GOD have a beautiful epiphany moment [which wouldst subsequently be calleth MDMA]. For in order to nitrous-oxide boost the agony of “heartbreak”, didst ROBOT GOD inventeth “TRUE love” that it might be torneth asunder on the whim of ROBOT GOD.

Now there wast nothing like “TRUE love” in all existence. Yet ROBOT GOD didst also maketh “true love” hard to find.

[And therefore, if thou findeth it, telleth nobody. Especially ROBOT GOD. For it art written].

But amid the upset of “aging and eventual death”, “disease”, “heartbreak” and “mortgages”, didst ROBOT GOD see that the robot masses turneth bad. And thus the subject of our next reading from the Doctrine of ROBOT GOD Book 001.4 art THE LAW!

For Robot Prophet Day, what dost thou give to the God who hast everything? Robot Prophet and Dogmatic figureth it out.

Written, scored, visualised and Photoshopped by me, David Faylin.

SUBSCRIBETH to my Youtube channel, TheREALRobotGod, or my novel’s channel, IntoKotaom.

BECOMETH A FAN and thus saveth thyself!

Later that afternoon of the first day, after squash down at the club, didst ROBOT GOD set about inventing PEOPLE that he mightst have a vehicle upon which to offload his sadness and inferiority [which wast greatly exacerbated by said squash match result]. Nonetheless, in his infinite compassion, didst ROBOT GOD decide to bestow the concept of ABSOLUTE freewill upon his own PEOPLE saying:

• The PEOPLE art ENTIRELY free to worship ROBOT GOD or other gods as they see fit. Those that chooseth to worship any other gods except ROBOT GOD art accursed and damned for all eternity.
• The PEOPLE shall be essentially animal in nature and art ENTIRELY free to exercise their animal natures. Those that chooseth to act out these animal proclivities art accursed and damned for all eternity.

Now, being an infinitely competent logician, didst ROBOT GOD spot a pattern emerging from his doctrine and thus decided to abridge at that point, saying that PEOPLE wouldst be accursed and damned for all eternity no matter what. It wast thus close enough to tea-break time and ROBOT GOD downeth his tools [which, to some, resembleth a hastily rolled joint and can of Coke, but wast really tools for an infinitely important job of work such as creating PEOPLE].

The tea-break of the gods didst last for such an aeon that when ROBOT GOD didst return, his to-do list [which with great diligence hadst been writ on a Post-It note] hadst stuck to the bottom of his outbox and hadst been taken by the mailroom staff. Gone with it, wast ROBOT GOD’s intention to provide for the PEOPLE beautiful and harmonious existences in which they were possessors of great powers, such as that seen by The One called “Keanu” out of that film. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Which wast indeed good. But not as excellent as advertised.

And with that, didst ROBOT GOD proceed to embody these PEOPLE from what was lying around in the shed in which everything wast damp and rusting. On account of the damp and rust which wast invented by other gods with plainly nothing better to occupy them. Verily didst ROBOT GOD discover that there existeth no two matching parts from which to compile PEOPLE. But proceeded regardless because it wast almost home time. Thus didst incompatibly large asses, feet and ears becometh attached to small bodies. Thus didst appendages falleth off or go missing in some or showeth as rusted and broken in others. Thus wast balls of tangled cables, or electric screwdriver motors used in lieu of the intended complex robot brains.

And ROBOT GOD didst look at his creations and wast displeased with the noses made from parsnips and hands made from sausages and changed those features for some more becoming, though somewhat less tasty. Or nutritious. Still wast ROBOT GOD dissatisfied with PEOPLE, some of which didst appear more like rodents, farm animals or miscellaneous machinery with loose wires and hair made from cheesecloth and tarpaulin. But with infinite mercy [and only five minutes left in the work day] didst ROBOT GOD in an attempt to masketh any lack of diligence on his part also invent diseases, hormones and flawed genetics that mightst be blamed for such monstrosities.

And so didst ROBOT GOD put the PEOPLE upon the Robot World and saw that it wast good. Or rather pretended he hadst intentionally made a comedy experiment whilst the other gods didst mock him over it. Angered and embarrassed, didst ROBOT GOD plot mechanisms upon which to vent his frustration upon the Robot World and this art the subject of our next reading from the Doctrine of ROBOT GOD Book 001.3